Pizza Religion 1996 (Edited)

The pizza religion may date back to the beginning of time, but this is
merely my accounting of it, which dates back to ... maybe a couple
years ago.  It is not intended to replace the religion or food of your

I was having lunch with a friend in the mall.  We had just finished
ice skating.  This was one of those two and a half hour lunches away
from work that you could only take if your job was testing key repeat
rates on X Terminals.

Anyhow, I and my former boss who went to work somewhere else that
apparently did not require lunch time work, joined a hockey league and
we often practiced skating during lunch.

The reason we were constantly practicing was that we were very bad
skaters.  My friend, Brian lets call him, is a Californian, and was
brought up to fear ice cubes in the McDonald's parking lot.  I was
brought up in Cleveland, Ohio, had skated for years, but because of
the popularity of circular skating rinks, never quite learned how to
stop or turn very quickly.

Anyhow, my teammates thought it would be a good idea for me to learn
to stop and turn properly.  Especially the goalie.  You see, I played
defense, and one of the common defensive movements you need to be able
to do is: chase after a puck going towards your goal, catch it on your
stick, turn around, and shoot it to one of the breakout players.
Well, if you take away the ability to turn, what you get is: chase
down the puck, get it solidly on your stick, continue going straight,
and shoot the puck at your goalie.  I must admit, I'd never seen our
goalie so surprised.  But I'll give him credit, he stopped the goal in
practice.  Too bad he didn't manage to get it during the game...

So anyhow, Brian and I are of a number of people who worship pizza in
one way or another.  So we are eating this bad mall pizza.  I don't
clearly remember how the conversation went, but lets say it went this
way: I was rambling on about how lucky we were to be in this great era
of pizza.  I think I was also explaining how those of us who pay a
great deal of time for pizza, are actually helping it evolve.  I've
been around to different parts of the country and a foreign country or
two, and it is awesome how pizza is really evolving in our time.
Someday, perhaps there will be the ultimate pizza made here on Earth.

I think that's when Brian said, "Maybe that's what it's all about.
Maybe, that is the whole purpose of life: to create the ultimate
pizza."  He figured that at the time the ultimate pizza comes out of
the oven, God will open the heavens and graciously accept the pizza,
and that will be the end of it all.

All of a sudden, things really made a lot of sense.  Life had meaning.
What a grand purpose to be a part of.  It was one of the few
explanations I really felt good about.  On my death bed, I could
think: yes, I made a positive contribution to the ultimate pizza that
ever was, and ever will be.  Pretty Cool.

So, the religion goes on.  What is the ultimate pizza really like?
Are the vegetarians like Satan worshipers, trying to drive pizza so
far away from the purest form?  Or do they have something?  I don't
know.  I personally could believe in a force behind the scenes trying
to undermine the basic structure of pizza.  We live in the time of
California Pizza, taco pizzas, and McPizza.  Who knows...

I also was thinking this would be pretty cool if there was an
afterlife.  Think of all the universes God has to create to get the
every day items we all take for granted.  (I guess when you have to
have the ultimate in everything, you have to do a little work.)

Anyhow, imagine how proud we can be in the afterlife.  Some guy in the
afterlife says to you, "Hey Man, what was the purpose of your entire
existence?"  "Well, we made the ultimate pizza that ever was and ever
will be for God.  How about you?"  "Oh.  Well, all we did was make the
ultimate window cleaner for God.  But hey Man, it really works well. I
mean *no* streaks."